Men are like …

1. Laxatives. . . : They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Bananas. . . : The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Vacations. . . : They never seem to be long enough.
4. Weather. . . : Nothing can be done to change them.
5. Blenders. . . : You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
6. Chocolate Bars. . . : Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
7. Coffee. . . : The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
8. Commercials. . . : You can't believe a word they say.
9. Department Stores. . . : Their clothes are always one half off.
10. Government Bonds. . . : They take soooooooo long to mature.
11. Mascara. . . : They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
12. Popcorn. . . : They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
13. Snowstorms. . . : You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
14. Lava Lamps. . . : Fun to look at, but not very bright.
15. Parking Spots. . . : All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Best Sex Joke Ever

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb
up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up.  The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop  making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!

Painful Divorce - wife vs Hubby

Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk panties. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your shows.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-wife
P.S. Don't try to find me... Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!

___________________________

Dear EX-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my shows so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy'! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, don't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating meat seven years ago.

About those new silk panties: I turned away from you because the ?49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your EX-husband, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Caroline. I hope that's not a problem.

The mother and her three virgin daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. Nescafe Rich Blend Coffee, 475g It said: "Good till the last drop". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans" Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town . Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.  Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African  Airways" Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mum fainted!