FUNDAMENTAL ENGLISH

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.

Laugh out Loud - WHOSE COKE IS IT…?

A Man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody". The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machines' or mine?"

A Story To Live By

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.

She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.

He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend,
'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her.
When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind.
The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her.
She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:
'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before,
and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word

- Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food

- Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife

- Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life

- Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children

- Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep

- Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive

- Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job

- Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another

- Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down

- Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.